


Correspondence Between Hetalians

by Geirdriful



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Gen, Humour, In other words everyone, chainsaw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-30
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-16 15:46:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geirdriful/pseuds/Geirdriful
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kind-of-legal hacking results in the uncovering of the chaotic correspondence between the countries of the Earth. Cue scones and chainsaws, declarations of nuclear war, Pierre-roasting, odd histories, turkeys, missing brains and Steve. Oh, and America destroying a certain scone-producing kitchen of lethal capability.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

NOTICE

EVERYONE:  
SEND YOUR PROBLEMS TO AMERICA THE HERO! JUST SEND ME AN E-MAIL AND I'LL REPLY WITH A SOLUTION! IT'S FREE (SO EVEN SWITZY CAN AFFORD IT)! 

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Dear America,  
I have to listen to a daft idiot who thinks he's a hero blabber all day long about who knows what while sloppily eating hamburgers and dripping spittle all over the floor. He also invades my house at regular intervals to show me his idiotic movies and insult my cooking. I want to rip his head off his shoulders and smash it under my feet. What should I do?

Quite sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

That's easy! Kill yourself!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

America:  
HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO HELP, YOU GORMLESS GIT?

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

1) You don't have to see me anymore because you're dead  
2) I don't have to endure your annoying complaints and your cooking because you're dead.  
3) Basically everyone hates you.  
4) I bet France that you'd call me a gormless git if I told you that, and you did, so thanks for $10!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear America,  
I have a problem, no one ever notices me even when I try to talk or send letters. Maybe the first one is because I'm half invisible, but my letters aren't. Could you help?

Sincerely,  
Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Matthew Williams

Dear ,

He didn't even notice my letter.

Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CANADA!  
Are you getting so depressed that you're sending letters to yourself?

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthew Williams

You noticed me?

Canada

* * *

To: Matthew Williams  
From: Alfred F. Jones

YEAH! It's hard not to notice when a guy walks over to his mailbox and tosses a letter in, then stands there for half an hour staring at it before taking it out again!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

MEMO

Ways to get noticed: Act like Russia?

Canada

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo

I have a subject who treats me like a slave, what should I do?

Spain

* * *

To: Antonio Fernandez Carriedo  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Well, if he's already gotten to the point where he can treat you like a slave, you can't beat him, so let him!

\- AMERICA THE HERO TRIUMPHS AGAIN!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Peter Kirkland

NO ONE ACKNOWLEDGES ME AS A COUNTRY! But I am one, so they should!

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Oh, just start a revolution or something.

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

AMERICA! Are you the one who got Sealand to revolt again? He went over to my house and spray-painted SEALAND IS A COUNTRY all over it, then started pelting me with toy missiles and laughing like a maniac. It took a long time to clean up, you know! I'm going to get you for this.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Peter Kirkland

It didn't work!

Sealand

* * *

To: Peter Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Yeah, I can kinda see that.

\- AMERICA THE HOSPITALIZED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Natalia Arlovskaya

For some reason my brother does not want to marry me. I demand that you aid me in achieving my goal.

Belarus

* * *

To: Alfred. F. Jones  
From: Ivan Braginski

Dear America,  
I have a mad younger sister who is intent on forcing me to marry her, but she really scares me and I don't want to. What should I do?

Russia

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
I kinda have a problem, Belarus just wrote to me demanding that I help her get Russia to marry her, but Russia also wrote to me asking that I help him get Belarus to leave him alone. I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT THE HERO NEEDS YOUR HELP!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Ah, just say you're going on vacation or something.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OK but where should I go? I've somehow gotten half of Europe to hate me and China is screaming at me to stay out of Asia. So yeah...

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I hear they're very hospitable in Switzerland.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

OK!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Lili Zwingli

Dear Big Brother,  
Um, did you invite America here? Because he's sitting in the living room eating hamburgers and watching television.

Liechtenstein

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
Right now I'm in the hospital again!  
I went over to Switzerland's just like you said, and at first they  _were_ pretty hospitable, and let me use their TV! Then Switzerland came in and just stood there staring. Next thing I knew, he was chasing me out with a rocket launcher and screaming for me to get my ass out of his country.

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

HAHA! I just got America put in the hospital for the forty-seventh time! See if you can beat that, wino!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Well,  _I_ just broke out of the asylum for the SIXTIETH time, you ungorgeous hoodlum. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Oh shut up, I haven't even been inside an asylum.

England

Postscript: And another thing, NO ONE LAUGHS AT  _ME,_  GOT IT? ESPECIALLY YOU. _  
_

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

What about that time when you made yourself sick with opium and China was practically laughing his face off?

France

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Arthur Kirkland

YOU WERE THERE?

England


	2. Battle For Awesomeness I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back.

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HAHA! THE HERO (ME!) HAS DECIDED THAT I AM THE MOST AWESOME AND ALL OF YOU STINK! SUCKERS!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I demand that you apologise to both the exclamation point and caps lock keys.

England  
PS.: How can you possibly be the most awesome if you can't even write your own name?

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! I CAN!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

We all know that your superior helps you type "Alfred" because you have no idea how to spell it, and you only learned how to spell "Jones" after you watched your own movie over and over and over and over again. God knows where you learned to spell  _my_ name, let alone type letters.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

TELL AND YU DIE!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and [everyone else]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

I'd like you to know that  _I_ am the most awesome and have always been, idiots.

\- PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME OF ALL!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Why are there five exclamation marks?  
If you're going to use English, use it properly!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Dann werde ich nicht.

\- Das ehrfürchtige Königreich Preußen

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Alfred F. Jones

LISTEN HERE, IDIOT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN A COUNTRY ANYMORE SO YOU DON'T COUNT, GOT IT? HA! THE HERO IS STILL THE AWESOMEST!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Here's another reason why you do not qualify to be the most awesome: your intellectual capacity is equivalent to that of the insignificant ant I am about to crush under my foot.

Sincerely,  
England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

It's a termite.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

No, it's an ant, though I don't know how you saw. And stop hacking into my account, I've changed the password now.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

It's a termite. I've seen 4000 years' worth of termites.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

No. It's definitely an ant.

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

WHAT THE SCONES DID YOU DO? FIX IT NOW!

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

I simply hacked into your account again and changed your name. I also messed around a bit to render you unable to change it back to normal. Your passwords are remarkably easy, first it was "France is a frog," then it was "France is stupid," and then it was "France is a perverted wino and I hate him."

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

FIX IT.

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

No.

China

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

I demand that you help me fix my name or I will annihilate you.

England

* * *

To: BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY! WHY DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ORDER ME AROUND?

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

PS.: Nice name. HAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

I'm older. Ha.

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

I'm 4000 and immortal. Now give me all of your money.

China

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Yao Wang

Listen here, everyone! I, as the oldest, order you all to surrender yourselves to the great China and allow me to dominate the world with a ruthless totalitarian government!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

No way.

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Ivan Braginski

But that's  _my_ job!

Russia :(

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: France

ONLY THE GORGEOUS ME IS WORTHY OF WORLD DOMINATION!

~France

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Kiku Honda

Don't forget that once we beat  _you_.

Japan

* * *

To: Kiku Honda  
From: Yao Wang

Shut up and stop trying to take back Shandong.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Peter Kirkland

NO! Now prepare to face the full power of SEALAND!

Sealand

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

Sealand came over to my house and started spraying me with a water gun. Does he do that a lot?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND

That's his idea of a revolution. Now change my name back.

England

* * *

To: I AM A BRAIN-CELL-LACKING MENTALLY-CHALLENGED STUPID OPIUM BASTARD CALLED ENGLAND  
From: Yao Wang

Okay.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Bonehead

THIS IS NOT MY NAME!

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Yao Wang

Of course "this" is not your name. Bonehead is.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Bonehead

Don't play dumb, idiot! My name is England! Or the United Kingdom!

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Yao Wang

Really, but I'm pretty sure that says "Bonehead." And how does an idiot (and mind you I'm not one) play dumb?

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Bonehead

JUST CHANGE MY NAME BACK OR I'LL ANNIHILATE YOU.

England

* * *

To: Basch Zwingli  
From: Bonehead

China beat me up, that's completely unfair! He has more people and he's more powerful.

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Basch Zwingli

Dear Bonehead,

You just stated yourself the two foremost reasons why threatening to annihilate China would be unimaginably idiotic. So let me ask you this, why did you go and do that?

Switzerland

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy  
From: Bonehead

Why is it that everyone can hack into my account?

England

* * *

To: Bonehead

From: Francis Bonnefoy

Because you're stupid.

~France


	3. Battle for Awesomeness II

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

So, let me remind all of you of what I said earlier...  
I AM THE AWESOMEST! AND DON'T YOU DENY IT!

\- AMERICA THE AWESOME HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Bonehead

I've organized all of your mail to me into the "spam" label. Do enjoy yourself in the cesspool of rejection.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Matthias Køhler

In response to your claim that you are the most awesome, I would like to point out that not only am I older than you are, but I also have more brain cells than you do.

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Alfred F. Jones

At least I haven't spent half my life on the floor drunk!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Matthias Køhler  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

You two shut up! You are both dwarfed by my incredible awesomeness! Now bow down before the great PRUSSIA!

With love,  
THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Alfred F. Jones and Matthias Køhler

You're not a country anymore, so shut up.

Sincerely,  
AMERICA (THE HERO!) and Denmark.

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones, Ludwig, and Matthias Køhler  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

So what? I can still be awesome even if I'm not a country! West agrees, right, West?

\- THE GREAT AND AWESOME PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ludwig

I will if you promise to stop ransacking my house at regular intervals seeking  _my_  beer.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Aw, come on, West! Be a good sport!

\- THE GREAT AND AWESOME KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

[Note to Germany]

I, the great and awesome Prussia, solemnly swear that I will never again ransack West's house in a quest for his beer!  
Signed,  
Prussia

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Bonehead

Did something happen between you and Prussia or something? Because today your dipsomaniacal brother turned up at my house and stole all of my ale with me standing right there! And I thought I'd already convinced him to take only  _your_ alcohol!

England

PS.: Ignore the name, China changed it to "Bonehead" and won't change it back.

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Ludwig

SO IT WAS YOU WHO TOLD HIM TO TAKE MY BEER!

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Bonehead

Yes, of course. Better you than Russia. You do NOT want to see Russia on vodka withdrawal.

England

PS.: Why does everyone hate the caps lock key? You're all banging at it every day.

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Hey! Now that I've stopped taking your beer, will you say that I'm the most awesome?

\- THE GREAT AND INCREDIBLY AWESOME KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones and Matthias Køhler  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

HA! West says I'm the most awesome of all! Suck it, losers!

\- THE GREAT AND INCREDIBLY AWESOME AND AMAZING KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Ivan Braginski

The Baltics say I'm the most awesome.

Russia :)

* * *

To: Ivan Braginski  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

That's just because you bullied them into it.

\- THE GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY ENGLAND!  
I just got another idea! How about you say I'm the most awesome and I'll fix your name!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Bonehead

No way. I'd rather be stuck with "Bonehead" as a name than say you're the most awesome.

England

* * *

To: Bonehead  
From: Alfred F. Jones

How about if I tie up France so you can beat him up all you want  _and_ I fix your name?

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Bonehead

Deal.

England

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY CHINA!  
Fix England's name or I'll paint the Great Wall purple!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

I'm aiming missiles at the United States. Now, should I bomb the White House or Lady Liberty?

\- China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Alfred F. Jones

NEITHER! How about I pay you a billion yuan?

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Yao Wang

Fine. Fork it over, báichī.

China

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: XXXXXX XXXXX

Why did you suddenly give China 157,915,527.62 USD?

America's Boss

* * *

To: XXXXXX XXXXX  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Because I'm the awesomest!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred f. Jones  
From: XXXXXX XXXXX

"Awesomest" is not a word.

America's Boss

* * *

To: XXXXXX XXXXX  
From: Alfred F. Jones

AH WELL! Since Spanish is quickly becoming my second language, you can excuse bad grammer! Spain is kinda cuckoo, so I really don't know why I chose that particular language!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Alright, I really hate to say it, but I made a deal so here it is: Out of _America, Denmark and Prussia_ , America is the most awesome. Now someone please kill me.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Yao Wang

I will!

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I didn't really mean it, idiot.

England

* * *

[Text]

To: Francis Bonnefoy

Yo France! I'll get you out of that guillotine Britain plans on chopping your head off with if you say I'm the most awesome!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

[Text]  
To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy  
YES! He's just gone to eat his mutants – sorry,  _scones_!

~France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy  
I want to kill myself for saying this: America is the most awesome.

~France

* * *

To: [Denmark's Boss]  
From: Matthias Køhler

That moron America has Britain and France on his side! Any ideas?

Denmark

* * *

To: Otto von Bismarck  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

Denmark has played the Lego card and America somehow has Britain and that frog's somewhat reluctant support! But everyone knows deep down that I'm the most awesome! Since you're my old boss, what should I do?

\- THE UNBELIEVABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Otto Von Bismarck

How did you manage to contact me in the afterlife?

* * *

To: Otto von Bismarck  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
No idea! For all I know, you might just be some moral idiot pretending to be my old boss! Now just answer the question already!

\- THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Otto von Bismarck

Ah, just keep spamming everyone's inboxes or something.

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!  
\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!  
\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!  
\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt

From: Arthur Kirkland

SHUT UP!


	4. Battle For Awesomeness III

**CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN HETALIANS 8**

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Alfred F. Jones

HEY GERMANY! Austria dropped a piano on my head from the second floor when I was being too loud outside his window! Could you lend me some money to pay for my hospital bills?

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Ludwig

Sorry, no, unfortunately I am  _still_ restoring my beer supply after Prussia massacred half of it yesterday (please note that it was only twenty-seven hours after he "solemnly swore" to leave my alcohol alone).

Germany

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Alfred F. Jones, and Matthias Køhler  
From: Yao Wang

I am the oldest so I'm the most awesome.

China

* * *

To: Yao Wang  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt, Alfred F. Jones, and Matthias Køhler

  
We don't care, old man.

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Hi Germany!  
We've just run out of space to dump our waste in our capital! Would you mind if we used Berlin? I'll make you some pasta later as thanks~!

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

I'm not your servant.

Germany

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Feliciano Vargas

Does that mean I can use it?

Italy~

* * *

To: Feliciano Vargas  
From: Ludwig

It means no, you can't. Now get those bulldozers off my lawn.

Germany

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I've changed my mind!  _I'm_ the most gorgeous and therefore I am the most awesome!

~France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Disregard the frog. I am (the latter).

England

* * *

To: Francis Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Hey! I thought we had a deal!

\- AMERICA THE ANNOYED HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I did say you were the most awesome. The most awesome out of you, Denmark and Prussia.

England

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Gorgeous people have the right to break promises.

~France

* * *

To: Ludwig  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

Dear Germany, my good neighbor,

Could you please get me out of this guillotine?

~ France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Gilbert Beilschmidt  
From: Arthur Kirkland

Stop  _spamming_. Both my inbox and my mailbox are filled, the latter with your juvenile pencil-written "Prussia RULES!" Which, mind you, I erased with my least favorite rubber and sent back to you.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

That sounded… wrong.

\- THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, INFINITELY AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

And you, quit mass-producing "America is awesome!" signs and posting them all over London. I'm using them as fuel.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Dude! Stop burning them! The air in London is bad enough without you doing that!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones  
From: Arthur Kirkland

THEN STOP PASTING THEM ALL OVER LONDON! I can hardly have idiot-praising signs stuck all over the place during the Olympics.

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland  
From: Alfred F. Jones

Sure you can!  
And the air in London IS bad, no matter what you screamed into the telephone last night!

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Matthias Køhler

I invented Legos and beat up Sweden! I'm the most awesome!

Denmark

* * *

To: Matthias Køhler  
From: Berwald Oxenstierna

Beating someone else up doesn't make you awesome, idioten. Neither does mass-producing children's toys. 

Sweden

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Francis Bonnefoy

I am the most gorgeous and therefore the most awesome!

~ France

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Yao Wang

I'm the oldest!  _I_ am the greatest!

China

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Gilbert Beilschmidt

PRUSSIA IS THE MOST AWESOME!

\- THE MOST AWESOME: THE UNBELIEVABLY AND UNIMAGINABLY GREAT, INCREDIBLY AWESOME, AMAZING, AND HOLY KINGDOM OF PRUSSIA!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Arthur Kirkland

I have a brain! You all don't! The mirror says I am the greatest of all!

England

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Ivan Braginski

!

Russia

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Peter Kirkland

I can make people Lords and Ladies for £29.99! Beat that!

Sealand

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Roderich Edelstein

You all have no taste in music.

Austria

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Alfred F. Jones

I'm the hero and only heroes are awesome! And since none of you other guys are heroes, I'm the most awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome!

\- AMERICA THE AWESOME HERO!

I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome! I'm the hero and heroes are awesome!

* * *

To: [Everyone]  
From: Basch Zwingli

YOU ALL SHUT UP! I CAN HEAR YOU ALL ARGUING FROM  _HERE_ , BEHIND THE PERMANENT NEUTRALITY BARRIER! FROM NOW ON,  _I'M_ THE MOST AWESOME AND ANYONE YOU SAYS DIFFERENTLY GETS THEIR ASS STUCK ON THE SPANISH DONKEY AND THEIR HEAD MOUNTED ON A STICK OUTSIDE MY HOUSE!

Sincerely,  
Switzerland

* * *

**Ačiū.**

* * *

To: Alfred F. Jones

From: Arthur Kirkland

I'm the hero and heroes are awesome!

England

* * *

To: Arthur Kirkland

From: Alfred F. Jones

Stop fibbing.

\- AMERICA THE HERO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (By the way, this was written years ago, so the London Olympics were still a thing of the future).

**Author's Note:**

> Greetings, and thanks for reading (whoah, I have an audience)! This is an edited version of a fanfiction of the same name that I posted on Fanfiction about three years ago (that one currently has over forty chapters).  
> Anyhow, that's the reason why there are so many characters, and basically, everything that's mentioned in the summary happens later.
> 
> So... should I continue? Comment?
> 
> – Geirdriful


End file.
